Old Gems: Part 1

Alright youngin's pull up a chair. It is story time with Grandpa Tom. We are gonna talk some OLD SCHOOL!

I remember back in the days before the internet existed, when I was just a young lad. Back then, when purchasing a video game, you had very little to go off of. You could read the information on the box, but that was about it. There was no online jounalistic websites that offer reviews to the latest titles. Luckily for me, there happened to be a liquor store/movie rental business just down the street where I grew up. This store dealt primarily in movies, but had a small rotating section of Super Nintendo titles available to rent for 2$ a week. That's right, two greenbacks. Because of this, I was able to experience all sorts of games that I would never have actually purchased. (or, in this case, begged my parents to purchase) In a way, I sort of miss it. There was the thrill of not knowing what sort of experience you were about to have. No idea whether the game would be brilliant or suck. (The latter, usually) And if you got stuck, there was no GameFAQs to help you out. Ah, those were the days! Below are a selection of these titles I played for days back then. Now appreciate what you have now, you young whippersnappers!

1) Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City

MJ is the house ya'll! Actually, instead of house, make that the Dungeon, Labratory, Ghost Train, Evil Circus, etc. Now this game had an absolutely ridiculous scenario. You play as Air Jordan, whose teammates have all been abducted by some sort of evil scientist guy thing. GET EA A PULITZER NOW! But in all seriousness, the gameplay was actually really good. This game was essentially a platformer with all the conventions. As MJ, you throw an unlimited amount of basketballs to defeat enemies. You can also get powerup balls that are limited. These included Flame Balls, Baseballs, Freeze Balls, Bouncy Balls, Homing Balls, Earthquake Balls, and so on.........Balls. There were also plenty of basketball hoops scattered throughout the levels that MJ can dunk into. Doing so releases vital health replenishers such as Wheaties and Gatorade. And no, I am not joking about any of the above.

2) Mario is Missing

Super Mario and the Holy Roman Empire

I am not a fussy game player. Give me something that lets me escape reality for a few hours and I am all set. This is why Edutainment is such a horrible idea. Especially for kids, kids do not want to learn from videogames. They do it all day at school. What's worse, the fiendish marketing people are aware that kids are attracted to franchise characters. Combine this misleading marketing with the horrors of edutainment and you get Mario is Missing. As a kid, of course I rented this game because DUH it had Mario in it. To my horror, I found myself not jumping around smashing bricks, throwing fireballs, and eating mushrooms. I found myself walking through famous cities, talking to boring NPCs, and answering 80 MILLION trivia questions. All because Bowser kidnapped Mario or something. Ugh, the worst.

3) Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

Oh look, they are going to fight over the pink one. How adorable!

If you grew up in the 90s like me, you know how huge Power Rangers was. Don't act like you didn't watch it. You watched it, and you loved it. And this game was like a dream come true for me. This game was primarily a side-scrolling beat-em up. Each level had you go through a first boring stage as your lame human self, then you got to MORPH into your slightly less lame Japanese Cartoon Ranger self. The gameplay wasn't terrible, but it was incredibly repetitive. Fighting through waves of enemies until reaching the end of the level, then doing it again.

4) Kablooey

It's Dy-NO-MITE!

Kablooey is a puzzle game in which you navigate around a grid in frustrating isometric view and attempt to disarm all the bombs on the level without blowing yourself. There is all sorts of hijinks in the later levels that make it more difficult and so on. This game was actually pretty fun and challenging. However, the designers decided against a save system and elected to use an elaborate and retarded password system. But wow guys, this game. Innuendo City! The fact that it is called Kablooey and the main character is shaped like a testicle nonwithstanding, the in-game announcer begins each level telling the player to "Get Ready" in a sultry sexy voice. Also there is a level called Blow the Load, and yes this is really happening.

5) Bugs Bunny: Rabbit Rampage

I confess, this game I actually didn't rent. This was one of those unfortunate Christmas gifts from a distant relative where they know you have a Nintendo but have no idea what sort of games are considered good or bad. Regardless, this game was actually pretty cool. A pretty much blantant rip off of Mario, the game had you play as bugs bunny as you traversed different worlds based off of famous Looney Tunes shorts. It was also exceedingly difficult. You can see from the box art above that Sunsoft was STOKED about having 12 MEGS to work with. With this incredible space, they decided to insert as many enemies as possible into the game, which made it a trite difficult to get around. Also, Daffy Duck makes for a lame final boss.

So there you have it youngin's. See what you missed out on what with your 3-Ds and your 1080p's? No school like the old school.

And So, It Ends

In 1986 I was born, and young rookie named Joe Sakic was having a stellar year for the Swift Current Broncos of the Western Hockey League. Amassing an incredible amount of points on his way to an easy Rookie of the Year crown, Sakic was being hailed as the next Wayne Gretsky. On a chilly night in December his team was headed to a game against the Regina Pats when the bus hit a patch of black ice and crashed. Sakic was unharmed, but 4 of his teamates and friends died in front of him. He has never spoken about the crash, only saying that he would honor them in himself.

And he did.

Sakic was drafted 15th overall to the Quebec Nordiques, a dismal franchise that was in financial ruin. Sakic never wavered. His first NHL game he scored an assist, the very next one, his first NHL goal. In 1994, a mere 6 years after entering the NHL, Sakic was promoted to captain, a title he would not relinquish. Under his leadership, the Nordiques made the playoffs for the first time in 6 years. Alas, the Nordiques were doomed, and the club was sold to a businessman named Stanley Kronke. He moved the team to Denver, and renamed them to Colorado Avalanche. Kronke poured millions into the team, and was instrumental in the Avalanche signing Patrick Roy, the greatest goaltender of all time. With Roy at his back, Sakic led the Avs to a Stanley Cup in their first year. Sakic exploded in the playoffs and was clutch. His play earned him the Conn Smyth trophy for playoff MVP and established the Avalanche as an elite franchise. The rest is history.

I will not call Sakic a hero. In my opinion, anyone who plays a game for a living cannot be called that, but for the countless people who bestow that honor on him, he completely deserves it. Sakic is a complete player in every sense of the term, but I'll start with the numbers:

• 2-time Stanley Cup champion (1996,2001)
• Conn Smyth award (Playoff MVP)
• Hart Trophy (Regular Season MVP)
• Lady Byng Memorial Trophy (Best Sportsmanship)
• 13 time All-Star and 2 All-Star MVP awards
• 2002 Winter Olympics Gold Medal
• 2002 Winter Olympics MVP
• 6th place for points All-Time
• Most overtime playoff goals in history
• Longest tenured Captain for one team in history

Obviously, Sakic has won about every single thing a single individual can do, and since hockey isn't a wussy sport, he also got in a fight. That's right, one fight, in 20 years on the ice. And he beat the shit out of Doug Gilmore:

How do you like them apples Gilmore?

But all the numbers and stats don't do Joe justice. There is a reason people in Denver simply call him Super Joe. Ask anyone who led Denver to it's first major sporting championship, and I guarantee that most people will say John Elway. But Sakic raised the cup for Denver 3 years before Elway did. Joe had incredible skill, he wasn't very big, but his conditioning was on another level. Goalies have always said that Sakic moves slippery. Sakic could also play defense with the best of them. But everyone knows him and will remember him for his crippling, Goalie-destroying, missile of a wrist shot. Almost impossible to defend against, Joe could score with this shot from anywhere.

Sakic fakes it...takes it....Score!

But the best thing about Sakic was his loyalty and his humility. In the dog days of the Nordiques, he was getting offers from major teams for huge salaries, yet he felt that his commitment was to the team that drafted him. One year, the Nordiques drafted a young prodigy named Eric Lindros, who promptly held out in hopes of going to a winning team. Finally disgusted with having to answer questions about him all the time, Sakic said "We only want players who have the passion to play the game. I'm tired of hearing that name. He's not here and there are a lot of others in this locker room who really care about the game." Sakic stayed loyal to the Nordiques/Avalanche, becoming the longest tenured Captain in league history for one team. He was the heart and soul of the Avalanche. Ask any young player now days about their favorite players, and Sakic will come up in almost all of them. Joe was not the kind of Captain who was loud and boisterous, giving rousing intermission speeches to his team. Joe never said much at all, because he didn't need to. After a terrible game, he would tell everyone they did a good job and tell the media it was his fault. The next game, he would go out and play incredible hockey and his teamates would follow suit. That is a TRUE captain. I cannot imagine how weird it will be this October, when the Avs take the ice for their first game without #19. There are other veterans on the team who are deserving of the C on their sweaters, but for this season, they should skate without a captain. Because there will never be another Joe Sakic.

But Joe is probably the most famous for his humility. Reports frequently asked him about his many individual records and accomplishments. His response is always the same. He blushes and lowers his head and quietly says "I've been lucky to play such a long time." This coupled with the fact that he always would never say anything controversial or newsworthy lent him the nickname "Quoteless Joe." But if they asked him about a certain teammate, one who played well, Sakic would talk for lengths about it. In the late 90's and early 00's, the Avalanche and the Detroit Red Wings were the greatest rivalry in sports. Both teams had immense hatred for each other and would denounce each other at the drop of the hat. But not one, not a SINGLE person on the Red Wings ever had anything but praise for Sakic. In fact, I have never heard anything negative said about him. Ever.

I can't possibly stress how humble he is in words, luckily, I can show it. Hockey is steeped in tradition, more so than any other sport besides maybe Soccer. One of these traditions is that, upon winning the Stanley Cup, the Captain takes the cup and skates around the rink alone with it before handing it off to his teammates. In the 00/01 season, looking for an extra edge, the Avs made a late season trade for a defensemen from Boston named Ray Borque. Ray had been playing for the Bruins for 21 years without a cup, and held the record for most games played without winning it. That season, the Avs won the cup for Ray, Sakic went to the podium to accept the cup from the commissioner, and then this happened:

Raymond Bourque!

That sums up Joe Sakic right there, the classiest guy in sports. Wayne Gretsky once said "Good players go to where the puck is. Great players go to where the puck is going to be." Joe is a great player, and so much more. His #19 will be retired on the season opener. He will be a first-ballot hall of famer without question. But to us Avs fans, he was our pride. They will eventually erect a bronze statue of him in front of the Pepsi Center in downtown Denver. To remind people of the Captain. To remind us of OUR Captain. Thank you, Super Joe.