Old Gems: Part 1

Alright youngin's pull up a chair. It is story time with Grandpa Tom. We are gonna talk some OLD SCHOOL!

I remember back in the days before the internet existed, when I was just a young lad. Back then, when purchasing a video game, you had very little to go off of. You could read the information on the box, but that was about it. There was no online jounalistic websites that offer reviews to the latest titles. Luckily for me, there happened to be a liquor store/movie rental business just down the street where I grew up. This store dealt primarily in movies, but had a small rotating section of Super Nintendo titles available to rent for 2$ a week. That's right, two greenbacks. Because of this, I was able to experience all sorts of games that I would never have actually purchased. (or, in this case, begged my parents to purchase) In a way, I sort of miss it. There was the thrill of not knowing what sort of experience you were about to have. No idea whether the game would be brilliant or suck. (The latter, usually) And if you got stuck, there was no GameFAQs to help you out. Ah, those were the days! Below are a selection of these titles I played for days back then. Now appreciate what you have now, you young whippersnappers!

1) Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City

MJ is the house ya'll! Actually, instead of house, make that the Dungeon, Labratory, Ghost Train, Evil Circus, etc. Now this game had an absolutely ridiculous scenario. You play as Air Jordan, whose teammates have all been abducted by some sort of evil scientist guy thing. GET EA A PULITZER NOW! But in all seriousness, the gameplay was actually really good. This game was essentially a platformer with all the conventions. As MJ, you throw an unlimited amount of basketballs to defeat enemies. You can also get powerup balls that are limited. These included Flame Balls, Baseballs, Freeze Balls, Bouncy Balls, Homing Balls, Earthquake Balls, and so on.........Balls. There were also plenty of basketball hoops scattered throughout the levels that MJ can dunk into. Doing so releases vital health replenishers such as Wheaties and Gatorade. And no, I am not joking about any of the above.

2) Mario is Missing

Super Mario and the Holy Roman Empire

I am not a fussy game player. Give me something that lets me escape reality for a few hours and I am all set. This is why Edutainment is such a horrible idea. Especially for kids, kids do not want to learn from videogames. They do it all day at school. What's worse, the fiendish marketing people are aware that kids are attracted to franchise characters. Combine this misleading marketing with the horrors of edutainment and you get Mario is Missing. As a kid, of course I rented this game because DUH it had Mario in it. To my horror, I found myself not jumping around smashing bricks, throwing fireballs, and eating mushrooms. I found myself walking through famous cities, talking to boring NPCs, and answering 80 MILLION trivia questions. All because Bowser kidnapped Mario or something. Ugh, the worst.

3) Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

Oh look, they are going to fight over the pink one. How adorable!

If you grew up in the 90s like me, you know how huge Power Rangers was. Don't act like you didn't watch it. You watched it, and you loved it. And this game was like a dream come true for me. This game was primarily a side-scrolling beat-em up. Each level had you go through a first boring stage as your lame human self, then you got to MORPH into your slightly less lame Japanese Cartoon Ranger self. The gameplay wasn't terrible, but it was incredibly repetitive. Fighting through waves of enemies until reaching the end of the level, then doing it again.

4) Kablooey

It's Dy-NO-MITE!

Kablooey is a puzzle game in which you navigate around a grid in frustrating isometric view and attempt to disarm all the bombs on the level without blowing yourself. There is all sorts of hijinks in the later levels that make it more difficult and so on. This game was actually pretty fun and challenging. However, the designers decided against a save system and elected to use an elaborate and retarded password system. But wow guys, this game. Innuendo City! The fact that it is called Kablooey and the main character is shaped like a testicle nonwithstanding, the in-game announcer begins each level telling the player to "Get Ready" in a sultry sexy voice. Also there is a level called Blow the Load, and yes this is really happening.

5) Bugs Bunny: Rabbit Rampage

I confess, this game I actually didn't rent. This was one of those unfortunate Christmas gifts from a distant relative where they know you have a Nintendo but have no idea what sort of games are considered good or bad. Regardless, this game was actually pretty cool. A pretty much blantant rip off of Mario, the game had you play as bugs bunny as you traversed different worlds based off of famous Looney Tunes shorts. It was also exceedingly difficult. You can see from the box art above that Sunsoft was STOKED about having 12 MEGS to work with. With this incredible space, they decided to insert as many enemies as possible into the game, which made it a trite difficult to get around. Also, Daffy Duck makes for a lame final boss.

So there you have it youngin's. See what you missed out on what with your 3-Ds and your 1080p's? No school like the old school.